I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
wakey wakey hands off snakey
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
