The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
