remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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