I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's never too late to be topless.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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