Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
