Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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