I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
