fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
