If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
