i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
