tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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