I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
