hotel room ftw
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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