Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
