There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
