Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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