there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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