I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This is classic penis vs brain.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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