Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
