I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My hand turned me down
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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