Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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