You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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