No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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