A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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