I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
