No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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