Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
