I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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