My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
