Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
