The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
