Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
