Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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