I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
