my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
