rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
