Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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