I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
high people should be assigned attendants
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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