its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
