i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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