If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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