She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
