Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
