the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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