we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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