I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
