oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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