george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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