I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
