You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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