Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
