Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
