I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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