Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We're too hungover to prance.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
