Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
