Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
