Just fell off a train. Bad.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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