just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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