Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize